Feeling a little frustration

I am so set with my plan I appreciate my SIL support and my best friend April's support but sadden that I am not allowed to share it anywhere but here. My email buddy through CNY Fertility has been a blessing but my mom does not want me to share it on Facebook because of the family reporting to CPS again. I told her if they do that I will move away so fast that her head will spin she said you CANNOT do that -- well those close to me know that is the one thing that motivates me MORE when someone tells me that I cannot do something. I told her WATCH me just WATCH me i'll do it which I will. I refuse to hide in the closet I have been hurt by my family numerous times too many times to count, so I will once again not be able to share my day by day joy of being pregnant I will not being able to share any part of it only on here. So I will try to be better about sharing on here more because that is the only way I am able to. I will not have a be able to have a baby shower just like last time I will post in the newspaper unlike last time which I was not allowed to do because of Patrick's father. I will once again be punished for being different.

Love seeing the support

Through CNY Fertility you can ask for a fertility buddy and well I have one of the best ones. She is just so supportive and loving that despite not ever meeting her I have loved the kindness and support that she has given for me, especially when I told her I was having doubt last night.

My mom is also being supportive and tells me that I should go forward with my plan that yes in 30 years if I look back I will say to myself why did I not do it then. So instead of going to Disney with my current little man I am going to move forward with my plan and feel better tonight.

I will not say that there will not be days that I will not have my doubts again but I love that I still have the support that I have been getting.

As far as the backlash that I know will come from certain family members and those will especially come at my mom which I don't think is totally fair but I am still going forward with her blessing.

Doubt

Today has been a hard day full of doubt on my and wonder should I just take my current child to Disney and screw the rest. That I am being self-fish and that it is not fair of me. I just feel so mixed with emotions and wonder what the heck I really am doing. I wonder where am I suppose to turn and wonder really what am I doing. I wish there was someone to talk to and I think the only thing for me to do is email the support person from the fertility clinic.

The Master Plan

Since there is no Mister Right walking through the door and I am turning 35 in three days I am moving on with my master plan. Would I love to have that Mr. Right yes I would and would wait if it happened but being on five no six different dating sites in the last year with nothing yielding from it I am moving on.

So for the last month I have been working with CNY Fertility I love Dr. Klitz and his team. I have already had two surgeries and was told to just go ahead and buy my sperm. WOW those words I thought that I would never hear. Those words looking back on my life I thought I would never need. I thought I would be married and have as many children as I wanted to.

I feel mixed emotions happy that I can move on with my plan and happy that it is available, yet I am still sadden that I still do not have that Mr. Right to share my life with. I am jealous of those that are able to be loved and cared for in all those ways but I am not getting any younger and want another child.

I feel self-fish I am never think of just myself and I feel that I am at this point. My parents are supportive but when my mom said if this is what makes you happy then go for it. I know that this is not the magic pill that the journey is going to be hard, yet I want another child.

So soon the master plan will begin. I know this journey will not be an easy one at all times but I am still excited that it is about to begin.